Being a mom is hard.
Being a stay at home mom is hard.
Being a working mom is hard.
I have sisters and friends in both categories, and as I hear them talk and sob and laugh about the struggles that come along in their lives, I just have to nod my head in agreement and offer the only thing that I can; my experience and a listening ear. Most of the time that's all they need. A sympathetic ear, someone to tell them that they are not, in fact, going crazy. While I only have about 3 years of mothering experience to draw from, I definitely feel that if I can save any of my friends from some of the hard-learned lessons and sob-fests that I had to endure, then I am more than happy to try to offer some help. I am a stay at home mom, and have been for almost 3 years, excluding a 2 month period where I worked during my husband's transition from medical school to residency. So, as short as that 2 months seems, I still can claim that I have seen "mom-hood" from both sides, and this is what I have observed:
Being mom is non-stop.
Describe it how you like: "busy, crazy, rewarding, and exhausting" are some common descriptors I hear from most moms (stay at home AND working) regarding their lives.
Here is the truth. There is no perfect balance. I know working moms who ache to be home everyday with their children. I know stay at home moms who ache to take a shower and for goodness sake just talk to an adult for an hour or two. Both scenarios can make a woman feel like her world is ending, and no matter which category you find yourself in, you will NEVER be the mom that has it all together in either instance. I PROMISE. Besides what Pinterest tries to tell us, that mom doesn't exist. And it's a good thing she doesn't, because I would hate her. So, so much.
I have heard moms on both sides say " I just don't know if I could handle being a stay at home mom; wouldn't I just go BESERK?!" and "I just don't know if I can handle going back to work and leaving my precious baby!" To both, let me say, " You can." We do what we have to to make the best life we can for our families.
Here's some more truth:
If you are a stay at home mom, you will go crazy on a semi-regular basis, and you will learn to take necessary preventative precautions to protect your mental health, and subsequently that of your closest ally, your husband. This allows you to remain functioning as a human being at its basest level. Luckily, that's the highest level you need to attain in order to raise children.
I'm joking.
Kind of.
If you are a working mom, you will struggle with that nagging guilt that reminds you that you are missing so many milestones and quality snuggle time with that baby that is growing up so darn fast. And you will learn to compensate by spending quality time with family on weekends, and maybe keep that baby up late just to spend a little more time with him. Your life probably won't be dictated by "The Routine" because you are dying to get home from work and spend time with your baby, whereas, around the same time of day, a stay at home mom is saying "OK, we've spent 12 waking hours together and I'm ready for you to go to bed, child. NOW!
There are pro's and con's either way, and since my current situation is that of a stay at home mom, I will share some of my findings from that viewpoint.
When I worked outside the home, my definition of "a busy day at work" had slightly different connotations than it does now.
"Busy" used to mean "productive". Now it just means "a long day full of chaos with nothing to show for it at the end. All those dreams of being a stay at home mom while keeping up with the housework...ah, I just laugh. If we all have clean underwear on any given day it's a miracle. A true miracle.
Me being busy now means not "productive", but rather, "engaged". I am rarely productive by the world's standards. If I was your housekeeper you would fire me. My husband is the hardest working man I know and he constantly comes home to piles of laundry here, piles, there. Sometimes there is a home cooked meal on the table, sometimes, it's a Big Mac. (I secretly love those nights :) Sometimes I have showered, sometimes not. I am embarrassed by this because I, like everyone else, have learned to hold myself to the world's standards of what a responsible adult should look like or do, and by those standards I appear to be the world's grossest and laziest human being.
But wait! I know I'm not gross or lazy. Well, at least not deep down. I may give my kids "baths" with baby wipes sometimes (Hey, at least I use the scented ones!) and I may let them eat off the floor at Chick Fil-A, but my children are very healthy. Never an ear infection. I think I have only had to take H to the doctor once and E, well, never. I'm typing this and tomorrow they will probably come down with some weird virus...
My children are learning to obey, and not just half-way. They will obey and be happy about it.
My children are learning to respect their elders.
My children are learning to pray and are going to live in a home where mom and dad strive to live their faith to the fullest and embrace the Sacraments.
My children are learning the alphabet, to count, how to pee in the potty, how to pick up messes and unload the dishwasher, and all of this they are learning from ME. Because I interacted with them and talked to them like they were adults. I am "busy" all day doing very fundamental, yet very invisible things. What a busy lazy person I am.
I guess I'm not so unproductive after all, I'll just have to wait 20+ years to enjoy the fruits of my labors.
So on those days, moms, where your eye is twitching and you don't know if you will make it until bed time, ask yourself whose standards you are holding yourself to. If you have done the important stuff, i.e. fed, bathed, clothed, snuggled, your child, does God really care if your kid eats stale popcorn for a snack because you left it in the diaper bag overnight in an unsealed container but you decided it was still OK because popcorn always kinda tastes stale in the first place?
No, He doesn't.
In my opinion, His standards are more lenient than the ones the world tries to place on us. I almost revel in my imperfections as a mother because 1) it gives me common ground with other moms and provides me with humorous anecdotes for my twitter feed and 2) it frees me up to do more important things with my time than pouting about my shortcoming and comparing myself to other moms. With those expectations gone, I am free to follow my own instincts about being a mom, and (gasp) enjoy the little things.
Her children rise up and call her blessed;
Her husband also, and he praises her:
29 “Many daughters have done well,
But you excel them all.”
30 Charm is deceitful and beauty is passing,
But a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised.
31 Give her of the fruit of her hands,
And let her own works praise her in the gates.
Proverbs 31:28-31
