It's easy for me to type that title this morning. I haven't had a fight with my husband recently. We're on good terms right now. I'm getting caught up on housework while my parents have my 2 oldest children out on a fun day. This isn't my norm, though, and I doubt that it's yours. Recently there have been more times than not that my spouse and I have been out of sorts. Not on the same wavelength. Speaking words that tear down and don't build up. Sadly, that had become our norm. It happens to all of us, by no fault of our own. We get into the habit of neglecting ourselves when we become parents, and because marriage is "Me" fully giving myself to my spouse, it stands to reason that our marriages would suffer because of that as well. Am I saying that we need to stop sacrificing ourselves for the sake of our children??
Of course not, but we HAVE to be aware of how the dynamics of a relationship can shift and change as we undertake the journey of parenting. Of marriage. Of our Christian journey. We can't bury our heads in the sand and pretend that it just isn't happening. This is possibly the most damaging thing you could choose to do for your marriage.
Do we mourn when we realize that marriage may not look like we envisioned it to? Absolutely.
Do we tell ourselves that "divorce just isn't an option" in desperate hopes of repairing something that we just don't have it in ourselves to repair?
Let me be frank: Divorce most certainly IS an option. I didn't make it that way, nor did you. But our society has made it so, and so it is. Just because we are women of faith doesn't make us exempt from that. Some of you may have already fought this particular battle and may even be creating a new life for yourself, unexpectedly, alone. Or alone with kids.
Saying that divorce isn't an option is a good start, but it fails to provide us with the tools that we actually need when things get scary. It's so tempting to throw out the "D" word when things get downright painful. When neither man or wife knows how to "fix it". When you're at a stalemate. For months. Years.
The pain is real and isolating and gut wrenching and overwhelming.
I have a dear friend who said it best..(and I'm paraphrasing) "Men could never understand the thunder and lightning constantly filling a woman's heart. " And that's true. And that sounds like a key to disaster, honestly. How can a marriage work when a woman feels emotions so strongly and has a strong need to articulate them lest she burst, and her hubby just isn't having it? Or if she is so sensitive to those around her that it can be debilitating at times, but when she tries to make her husband understand, he just stares blankly? Or even worse, takes it as an attack on him and lashes out?
God gives us all strengths and weaknesses. Some of these are distributed via gender, some by accumulation over the course of prayer, some are just doled out by the grace of God. But guess what? Whichever strengths that you have, your spouse is guaranteed to have almost none of the same ones and will have strengths quite opposite of yours.
This works great when things are complementary. When he works for the family and comes home and you have a home cooked meal for him and a clean house and squeaky clean kids. Score!
Also, this works great when your family is fighting a battle (financial, spiritual, family related), and he takes on the role of leader and protector. I'm sorry, but there is nothing more awe inspiring and attractive than that, ladies. :)
Again, this is not the norm, and I am sure that we only get to experience these things once or twice a year so that we know what we are missing the rest of the time and have something to strive for. I kid. Maybe.
But what happens when your strengths, or spiritual gifts, seem to "butt heads"?
What if your strength and deepest desire is to philosophize on your faith journey, or what your husband's words and actions mean to you, and how you felt about your interactions with society that day, or how you can change your relationship for the better ?
And what if his strength is being a provider, which he has just come home from a long day of being, and just wants some dang silence, or some intimacy? And well, you have had 3 kids climbing you and pooping on you from head to toe since 7 that morning?
These strengths don't seem so obviously to complement, rather they seem to drive you further from each other.
This leads to hurt feelings and nasty words and left untouched, this can spell the end of a marriage.
If you find yourself in a situation like this, please get an outside perspective from someone that you trust and that has the best interest of your marriage at heart. Whether it be a counselor, or a trusted friend or a mom.
Also: Utilize that village. And if there is no village, make one. Pray and plead that God will bring women into your life to support as they in turn support you.
The more I get to know other moms, the more I realize how lonely we all are. There is no village for us in today's society. We are forced to do the hardest job we have ever tackled with very minimal support. Not that our own mom's aren't amazing and our husbands helpful. But having other women who just "know" is one of the most important gifts you could be given. A place to vent, and an outlet for that "thunder and lightening" so to speak.
In your journey to strengthen or fix your marriage, first focus on cultivating your spiritual strengths and gifts. It came as a surprise to me to discover that doing this may require me to heed advice from people that weren't my husband. I used to think that "who better to take my problems or questions to than my husband? " He IS my partner in life.
But if you have lost yourselves mamas, then how can you be his "other half"?
1) Give yourself the time to heal through Godly counseling and prayer. Get rid of that hurt, no matter how long it takes. Share the details that you can with your husband, but don't drown him in the details.
2) Strengthen yourself with spiritual disciplines. Prayer, adoration, and living your life and seeking counsel from those who share your faith and your journey is an amazingly underutilized tool in our society today.
3) Be honest with your spouse and don't try to rush the healing process. Just recommit to each other for the next leg of the journey.
It takes a village to raise a child, and I posit that it also takes a village to make a marriage work.
So let's start with prayer for our husbands, then for ourselves, and then for those around us that we can all be for each other what we need to be.
Hebrews 10:24-25 “And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near.”
Hebrews 12:1 "Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us,"
In conclusion:
I am your witness, as you are mine. I'm watching you, as you are me. Our kids are watching us. People that we don't even know are watching us. The saints of old are watching us and cheering us on. Don't give up! To paraphrase my friend again "I'll be your umbrella when life is dumping on you, and you'll be mine" Let's keep pressing on ladies :)
Tavi
