Today is very rainy, which is great for my back yard. However, it may not be the best choice of weather considering my temperament today. Rain means staying inside, which I do a lot of already. Many days with fairer weather find me inside, but I at least appreciate having the option to take the kiddies outside if I so choose, and when that option is taken off the table, most times I am at a loss as to what to do to entertain my children. Silly, I know. I am finding myself with some time alone this morning, as the kids quietly watch Sesame Street and, of course, my mind has decided to take the least productive route as a start to my morning. I could and should pray, dedicating this rainy day to God. But guess what? My thoughts are scattered and I'm finding that the only way to bring order to them is to write.
22 days and counting. The end of residency. What we have been working towards as a couple and family for over 7 years. It is exciting! But now I'm starting to wonder about the new job- what if Michael hates it, or the schedule is super unmanageable, but there's no turning back now?
Will I be a strong enough mom to handle not just managing a family when my partner is out of the picture essentially every other week, but creating a family that thrives?
Yes, I have managed a lot on my own up to this point, but my perspective has always been that of a resident's wife. Just make it to the next rotation. Just keep swimming. This will be over in 3, 2, 1, years....
We have been in survival mode for the past 3 years, so it has never bothered me, for example, when we had to go to church separately at different times of the day, leaving the kids at home, to work around his sleep schedule, or we had to watch cartoons all day on a snow day because daddy is sleeping and we can't wake him up. It makes me feel so inferior watching all the uber-productive moms who do structured activities with their children on a weekly or (gasp) daily basis, when our schedule is so haphazardly based on when dad is or isn't home that my kids could go a week (more when they were younger) without doing anything that I would label interesting or productive.
I know it sounds silly, because I certainly could take my children on outings without Michael, I know. Let me be honest with you though. Being on call, and working unpredictable hours takes a huge chunk of "normalcy" away from our family. When Michael is on call, he many times will leave the house before 6 in the morning, stay at the hospital until 7 the next morning, then come home and sleep until 2 because he got little or no sleep the night before. It's better now, but back when he started residency, he would be on call 3-5 times a month. Plus working roughly 80 hour work weeks. Every week. So to say that his work hours affected only him would be silly and extremely misinformed. I missed him. Our kids missed him. I had HUGE chunks of empty time to fill, but leaving the house with 2 babies was not an option very often. I had friends, but they all worked during the day, and I had not yet begun to establish my circle of stay-at-home mommy friends who have become so essential to keeping me sane, and I them.
All of this was happening during a time when I was trying to figure out how to be a successful stay at home mom/wife while raising a toddler and nursing a newborn. I needed a partner more that ever at that time, and I didn't have one. I can truthfully say that now that my kids are 3 and 2, I feel comfortable taking solo outings with them, but I haven't until this point. So I had roughly 3 years of never being able to plan ANYTHING more than 4 weeks in advance because we never knew what Michael's schedule would be the following month, and 3 years of not being able to leave the house and do many things that kicked my adult brain into gear.
There was a point last year where I thought I was struggling with agoraphobia, which made no sense, because I had never once struggled with anything like that. Looking back, I know there was nothing wrong with me. I was tired. I was responsible for EVERY feeding for our youngest (day and night) because he wouldn't take a bottle. (I breastfed him for a YEAR by the way!) Getting out of the house required more energy than I had at that time, and that's OK.
I went 2 years with not having close friends who I could relate to, vent to, and just go get a darn pedicure with when I wanted to! But through that emptiness, God led me to His beautiful Catholic Church, blessed me with many beautiful times of strong prayer and Eucharistic Adoration, and He has healed me through confession.
This last year God has filled my cup to overflowing with friends, and I am so thankful for the people that He has placed in my life. I am truly reminded of how we are to be a support system for each other, never a gossipy, mom-competition-y group. Yuck!
I love the supportive women in my life and pray God's blessing for them often and hope they do the same for me.
Our kids are still very young so I don't feel as if they will remember this time in our life, but I want to document it for them. I want them to know all the blood, sweat, and many many tears that went into daddy becoming a doctor. I want them to be very proud of him, but also I want them to see how Michael and I had to dig deeper into our faith and cling tightly to the promises of Christ to maintain a marriage and raise them during those empty times.
However, when I think about the fact that now, because we want to raise our children to love and appreciate Christ's church (this includes honoring the Sabbath and attending church every week), there will be more times than not that I will be THE parent to take our children to church, and make family dinners, and make normal family life continue, even though dad is having to work, I feel scared. I feel blessed to moving closer to family, and I think that they will play a large part in helping me during those weeks. But I still wonder, "Will I be able to pull it off?"
I shouldn't wonder these things. If I have learned anything, it is that God has made a way through things I never imagined I would have to face, and I know that He always will. But there is something about verbalizing those fears that we have. It helps put a face to them, a face that we can look at and learn how to defeat. I'm not complaining, I'm just formulating my game plan.
So I choose to give those fears up to you, God. I don't want them, need them, have time for them. I am ready to take this next step with my family, and I know you are watching over us and holding us near your heart every step of the way. As I type this and feel the kicks of this tiny little guy growing in my belly, I feel very blessed today. I don't know what the future holds, but I feel so much more prepared for this next stage than I was for the last one.
So I'm offering up this soul-baring blog as my morning prayer today, and as always, I thank God for another day to be able to wake and try, try again!
Tavi
