Am I Write?

I have always been a person who conveys my true thoughts more clearly on paper than through speech. I was always writing songs to express my teenage angst in high school, then when things got serious with Michael and me, and I was forced to begin communicating (gasp) on a pretty consistent basis, it always seemed when we would have an issue come up, it would only be resolved after I wrote him an email or letter. Some of them scathing, to be sure. Sorry M :(

I always just accepted this to be a quirky part of my personality and was almost ashamed of it, thinking "Why can't I communicate like NORMAL people?" Well I have been going to see a Counselor for awhile now to help me sort through issues that have come about as a result of, well, being a member of the human race for a long enough period. I have learned some pretty crazy stuff about myself, and I have observed some things through new eyes. For instance, "Normal" (if we are defining that as "The majority of people") don't communicate, at least not effectively. So, now I"m empowered. I'm not in the "norm", and thank goodness. It may take me a 4 page exhortation to tell Michael that he needs to start helping out around the house and would he please start putting his dirty undies in the hamper (those are just examples, but I did one time write a huge nasty email regarding Pistachio nuts). But, hey, the point is that I actually told him he needed to start helping out around the house instead of sitting on it for 50 years, then one day, waking up, keying his car with the words "It's OVER!" and filing for divorce. Again, just examples. My hubby helps out around the house alot. He roasted a whole chicken for dinner last night. Cue applause.

I'm just thinking:

If it's "Normal" for 50% of first time marriages to end in divorce, I'd rather be in that other group. You know, the one where you stay married to the same person your whole life. I'm OK with not being NORMAL.

If it's "Normal" to ingest synthetic hormones daily so you don't end up with 12 children (even though there are non-hormonal options out there, granted you have to actually put some work into charting, etc.), then I'd rather be in that other group. You know, the one where you don't grow a third arm when you are 40 and have been on the pill for 20 years.

It it's "Normal" to be on Facebook or Twitter for the majority of your day, fostering digital relationships, yet ignoring the very real people that have been placed in your life, I'd rather be in that other group. You know, the one where you don't have 2,347 friends, but you have 3 amazing ones who really do make your life more full of joy.

I could go on and on. Here's the thing; there is no normal, and I think most of us know that, but really, REALLY knowing it and living like we know it is a different story. Having a unified set of standards given to us by Christ through his teachings and His Church provides us with something to strive for. If we are all striving for the same standard of holiness, THAT becomes our measure of normal, not the percentages of people failing in certain areas. As long as we remain humble, and allow Christ to work through our human shortcomings, we have been granted forgiveness for those shortcomings. I choose to be surrounded by people who are striving for the same things that I am- a deeper relationship with Christ and searching for ways to serve His Church and those around me.

So yes, I'm a nerd who can't talk to other people and I'm a weird hippy because I don't take birth control but my family talks to each other. Better yet, on a good day, we PRAY together. (Still working on making that a daily thing. In time). We avoid alot of common family issues because we talk about things. It sounds simple, it is simple, but I have a feeling 50% of families aren't taking advantage of this calling to be present in each other's lives.

A dent in my car, a chink in my armor

For as long as I can remember, I would begin to feel un-easy when everything started going smoothly in my life. Not a "something bad is bound to happen" sort of uneasy, but more like a "I don't like the kind of person this false sense of sense of security is turning me into" sort of uneasy. Let me explain. Like anyone, I have smooth patches and rough patches in my life,  but due to my unreasonably high expectations of what "smooth patches" should look like, I was setting myself up for disappointment.

My husband and I purchased a brand new vehicle last year. It was so pretty and perfect. Caramel Bronze Pearl. A few months ago, we got a couple of ugly dimples in one of the doors. Really, considering some of the hail we have driven through, its surprising that is all the damage we have incurred thus far. But I digress, my perfect car was still, in fact, a very pretty one (from one side) and a very reliable vehicle, but all I can see are those dimples. My eye goes straight to them every time I find my car in the parking lot. I imagine all the other moms in their pristine SUV's driving by and judging me. Yes, I know how I sound. I think that part of this is due to the way I was raised. There were 4 kids and not alot of money, so if we couldn't be rich, we were going to take upmost care of our belongings so that we could at least keep up the appearance of having nice, new things. Years later, I have realized that this mindset led to quite an unhealthy emphasis placed on material things. Perfect, pristine, material things. So I am stuck with this mind-set that allows me to understand that money doesn't buy happiness, but ironically also tells me I can't be happy unless I attain perfection in maintaing my possessions, my home, my children, the list goes on. Obviously, maintaining the appearance of perfection in one's life is difficult, if not impossible. But, boy, do I try. No wonder I'm tired.

Pope Francis has talked about avoiding the "latest and greatest" toys and purposefully avoiding allowing yourself to fall into that false sense of "perfection" or stability. There is nothing wrong with having an IPhone 5 or a new car. But if you notice your possessions lulling you into a false sense of security or perfection in  your life, you will never be happy because there will always be something newer and better. You may find yourself day-dreaming and wasting your thoughts on planning what you can buy next, or if you're like me, planning your next wardrobe. You may very likely also be missing out on that still, quiet voice of the Holy Spirit that could be prompting you to do his work, because thoughts of having your ducks in a row and appearing perfect will be dominating your mind, not the thoughts of the Spirit.

So for now, I'm thinking it's not such a bad idea to leave those dimples in my car. My life is incredibly full and blessed, and while I think I have reason to complain about those dents in my door, I think that leaving them there is just preventing me from getting distracted by one or two new, minor issues. Maybe it's better to buy your IPhone one generation behind the newest, just so that every time you look at it, you know it's nice, but you are also aware that you made a conscious effort to not allow your possessions to dictate who you are. Having a tangible reminder of this concept is actually pretty handy, now that I think about it. I see it everyday when I put my kids in the car. A dent in my car, a chink in my armor. A reminder to always seek Christ and you will always find Him.

Note: I am in no way referring to my hubby, who finally got an IPhone 5 this weekend! He had patiently waited for a new phone for years and until 2 days ago was still using a 3GS. Yay hubby! You work hard and you deserve that IPhone 5! Just don't tell Pope Francis. :D