Lately, I have been struggling to find either the desire or energy to really seek God in my daily life. I even recognize that my mind is struggling to find distractions during the day so that I purposefully don't find the time to sit down and pray, and it's just downright annoying. It's obvious that there is nothing in this world that comes close to filling that God-shaped hole in us, besides, well, God.
I used to feel guilty when I would have dry spells like this. I would think " I have failed, yet again. I'm obviously not holy enough of a person to deserve the consistently close and awesome communion with God that I see others have. " Um, can you say prideful? To think that something I did or though or said would affect the Creator of the Universe's plans for His shaping of our relationship? On these days, I find myself longing for something deep, and luscious, and fulfilling, yet, I end up settling for a hurried "Our Father" before I fall asleep at night. I don't view this prayer as a magic fix all, but rather it is a very poor attempt to let God know that I am not walking around in vain, forgetting about Him. I am almost so ashamed that I cannot produce anything more than a 3 year old might say in his daily prayers that I almost don't want to try, so as not to subject myself to humiliation. But prayer isn't about me, is it? Is it possible that God has removed that consolation that we many times receive from prayer so as to encourage me to dig deeper into Him, His word? If you think about it, what is better than the feeling you get after you pour out your soul to God? You are at peace, you are on top of the world, you see solutions to problems that you previously hadn't seen. It's hard to describe, but it's a great place to be. So what happens when God doesn't allow you to feel that? If God is trying to shape and mold us into His image, it makes sense that He would use those sensory moments that are so powerful to us as humans to get our attention. He may use pleasure or pain to grab our attention in various ways. So to remove such a consolation as the one that we normally receive when we draw close to Him in order to cause us to walk a little further down the path, even closer to our source, is a rather flattering thought, is it not? Even if we are willing to settle for what has been working for us, He is not. He wants more. He realizes our potential, even if we do not. He desires more of us.
So how does one handle this feeling of rejection? To our human senses, it may seem as if God is eluding us, and with that sense of feeling alone, and maybe God not answering the door bell after the first ring, what does one do? What does a selfish, impatient girl like me do? The very selfish thing would be to just give up and wait until a big life event forces me to seek God's strength again. That is exactly what I used to do, though, and what I am trying to work through now, so as to learn a better way to deal with this.
I started re-reading Romans today. Since I recently traveled to Rome, I am hoping to be able to read Paul's words to the Christians there with different eyes. I visited a church there and saw the very chains he wore while writing some of his letters. (Picture below)
It helps to remind yourself that these heroes of our faith were that for a reason; they were real people, that traveled to real places, preaching a very real message. This message lives on very powerfully today through the body of Christ (the Church) and the actual Body and Blood of Christ (the Eucharist).
St. Paul's shackles (top box) and sarcophagus (below, behind grating)
I find myself feeling ashamed many times because I stop and think "How am I REALLY identifying myself as a Christian?" and it's hard for me to answer.
As a stay at home mom, I have really struggled with this issue, because I don't come into contact with many people other than my children during the course of my day. I struggle with knowing whether or not I should be adding "Purposefully seek out the poor and needy during the course of my day" to my already overwhelmingly long daily list of things to do, or if I should just be tending to those that I encounter when I happen to be leaving Target and see a man holding a sign asking for money, and making sure that I am raising my children in the faith.
I have always been told "Bloom where you are planted", but I wonder if that is enough? If I have been "planted" in my house for a couple of years, raising children, that doesn't just give me a magic pass to not fulfill my Christian duties outside of the home anymore. No, I'm not trying to prove to God that I am good enough for Him, but I'm really just trying to evaluate if I'm doing my job, man.
John 13:34-35 says "A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another, even as I have loved you, that you also love one another.35"By this all men will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another."
So loving one another is key. Not just tolerating each other. And when those thoughts try to sneak in and taint your views of each other, making someone seem annoying or less meaningful to you, that's a problem. Satan likes to erect invisible barriers between us, not that we all walk around having major issues with each other, but so that we THINK we all have issues among us, and this prevents us from working together as a unit.
I also think that it is essential to be prepared. By this I mean, have cash or gift cards on hand as ofter as possible. How easy is it to say "I can't help that homeless guy because I don't carry cash" Oh well.
That isn't necessarily right, is it? Just because it isn't our habit to carry cash doesn't mean we can pull some out of the ATM and have it for just those moments, because lets fact it, needy people are everywhere. And you just might notice them more if you have the tools to help them.
So I am being told by my children's crying that they are ready to do something fun and get out of the house, so thats all I can muster for today, but I hope it gives someone besides me a little food for thought.
Tavi
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